They were on a “David Arquette” budget… I’m glad he got some work.

If the movie you’re watching casted David Arquette as the menacing antagonist… it’s probably the best/worst type of “scary” movie you could find.

I had the pleasure of stumbling upon this Netflix gem–The Cottage (2012).

My first impression upon seeing the cover/reading the synopsis: “Oh! David Arquette… I just love him. He was great on Dancing with the Stars. He will play the vulnerable character and I will fall in love all over again (First time we fell in love? Scream, obviously).”

Second impression: “David Arquette is going to play one of the teenage daughter’s boyfriend? What? Oh this is too good… He’s 41 and playing a teenage girl’s boyfriend. Does she just like ’em way older? Or is David Arquette in such dire need of work that he’s being casted to play someone that much younger?”

Well, this daughter was actually recommending Arquette as someone to rent her dad’s cottage since the last renters had to leave suddenly due to a family emergency.


DAVID ARQUETTE IS NOT MENACING. He seems sweet and shy in everything. “I’m going to have to kill you, but I’m going to be shifty, shy, and giggly about it.” That’s him. What’s even sillier/more awesome about this movie is that Arquette has a “sister wives” situation going on. I’m not going to hate on that. David Arquette kinda reminds me of an older Ryan Gosling… with a longer history of some possible drug abuse. The real shame here is that I can’t find a pic of Arquette and his slew of young ladies. I’ll be sure to throw it in here if I do.

This movie is not so much full of bad acting as it is full of bad decisions. Maybe the dad’s girlfriend isn’t a terrible actor… but she’d be one terrible person IRL. I may not be the most motherly individual at this stage of the game, but my maternal instincts tell me that it’s a BAD idea to leave a baby in a house/car alone while I wander off, with a suspect character on the loose.


I’ma just leave my baby inside, with the door most likely unlocked and no one else home, while I go investigate this crime scene.

I do always appreciate when, in lieu of the actors holding the actual baby, they hold what appears to be a sack of potatoes. Unmoving and stiff.

The Cottage unravels at a fine pace, and certainly keeps your attention. So it’s got that going for it! The casting was just ridiculous; I found the two teenage daughters to be more hostile than Arquette. Lover of crap, get on this movie. You probably won’t regret it (buuuut, you might).


About sheedzor2390

My parents let me watch just about whatever I wanted as a tot. Let me tell you, watching The Exorcist at 7-years-old will make you tough as nails. I believe I am better for it. One of my life goals is to be in a crappy, low-budge horror flick. The best time of year? Halloween, when all the best of the worst movies are played. My Netflix suggestions? Macabre. Romantic comedies? Kafkaesque. On the other hand, I do enjoy a good romantic tragedy.
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