The Fog: 3.5/10 on IMDB; 4% on RT; 60% of the time it’s amazing, every time.

I saw The Fog (2005) in theater when it came out. I didn’t put too much thought into what I saw back then (I was merely 15; saw The Fast and the Furious 3 also… hadn’t even seen the first two). I think I even liked it at the time.

Revisiting it for the first time eight years later? I had different feelings about the movie.

First of all, the scariest thing right off the bat was Tom Welling’s turtleneck. And I thought he was a total dreamboat.

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Get a load of this turtleneck sweater. It’s large, in charge, and swallowing up Tom Welling’s pretty little neck.

Second of all, the leading lady is, oh my god, that one girl from Breaking Dawn I and II.

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Rob Zombie should have learned from The Fog remake that when you mess with a John Carpenter original, it doesn’t end well. OK… maybe Zombie’s Halloween remakes have slightly higher RT ratings, but that’s just because everyone loves DRAGULAAAAA.

This movie wasn’t over-the-top awful. It was just plain old bad. You’re not really scared; you’re not really commiserating with the characters; and for a 100-minute long movie, it seems much longer. You might find yourself wondering when it’s going to cut to the chase.

This is the type of movie where “the sins of the fathers are visited upon the heads of the children.” <–Can you guess what I did there? That’s a direct quote from the movie! But there’s always got to be that priest that’s walking around nervously, holding a book, obviously aware of what’s going on. BUT WON’T. TELL. ANYBODY. At least he won’t tell anybody until it’s already obvious/too late.

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Anyway, there are a couple visually appealing/eerie scenes. But beyond that, the best thing this movie had going for it was a moderately steamy shower scene between Tom Welling and Maggie Grace.

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Now just what kind of person would I be if I didn’t post a pic from this scene?

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They were on a “David Arquette” budget… I’m glad he got some work.

If the movie you’re watching casted David Arquette as the menacing antagonist… it’s probably the best/worst type of “scary” movie you could find.

I had the pleasure of stumbling upon this Netflix gem–The Cottage (2012).

My first impression upon seeing the cover/reading the synopsis: “Oh! David Arquette… I just love him. He was great on Dancing with the Stars. He will play the vulnerable character and I will fall in love all over again (First time we fell in love? Scream, obviously).”

Second impression: “David Arquette is going to play one of the teenage daughter’s boyfriend? What? Oh this is too good… He’s 41 and playing a teenage girl’s boyfriend. Does she just like ’em way older? Or is David Arquette in such dire need of work that he’s being casted to play someone that much younger?”

Well, this daughter was actually recommending Arquette as someone to rent her dad’s cottage since the last renters had to leave suddenly due to a family emergency.

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DAVID ARQUETTE IS NOT MENACING. He seems sweet and shy in everything. “I’m going to have to kill you, but I’m going to be shifty, shy, and giggly about it.” That’s him. What’s even sillier/more awesome about this movie is that Arquette has a “sister wives” situation going on. I’m not going to hate on that. David Arquette kinda reminds me of an older Ryan Gosling… with a longer history of some possible drug abuse. The real shame here is that I can’t find a pic of Arquette and his slew of young ladies. I’ll be sure to throw it in here if I do.

This movie is not so much full of bad acting as it is full of bad decisions. Maybe the dad’s girlfriend isn’t a terrible actor… but she’d be one terrible person IRL. I may not be the most motherly individual at this stage of the game, but my maternal instincts tell me that it’s a BAD idea to leave a baby in a house/car alone while I wander off, with a suspect character on the loose.

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I’ma just leave my baby inside, with the door most likely unlocked and no one else home, while I go investigate this crime scene.

I do always appreciate when, in lieu of the actors holding the actual baby, they hold what appears to be a sack of potatoes. Unmoving and stiff.

The Cottage unravels at a fine pace, and certainly keeps your attention. So it’s got that going for it! The casting was just ridiculous; I found the two teenage daughters to be more hostile than Arquette. Lover of crap, get on this movie. You probably won’t regret it (buuuut, you might).

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What Nightmare Are Made Of

Below are some of my favorite creepy snapshots from movies. I’d like to just caption them with their movie titles and the years they were made; but let’s be honest, I like to run my mouth (like to run my text?), so I might be throwing some additional comments in there if I really feel the need.

The Shining (1980)

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Are the young, twin girls at the end of the hall creepy? Yes. Is the scene with blood flooding out of the elevators eerie as shit? Undoubtedly. But this right here… this is just the worst.

The Amityville Horror (2005)

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The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

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No matter how many times I watch this scene, I’m always jumping out of my skin. “RUN, BITCH, RUN!” “DRIVE, BITCH, DRIVE!!”

Ghost Story (1981)

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Listen,… if you get a lady killed (accident or not), her pretty ass is probably going to come back to haunt you and have your ass killed.

Amelia (The third part of the Trilogy of Terror) (1975)

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If I were to watch this today, I’d laugh. But this picture makes it on the post because I used to be MORTIFIED of this scene as a kid. I’d close my eyes as tight as I could. It didn’t help that she stares into the camera and pounds her… little machete?… on the ground. Even the sound creeped me out.

When a Stranger Calls Back (1993)

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Guy paints himself perfectly to blend into woman’s brick wall in her big, dark apartment? Yeah… f*ck that…

When a Stranger Calls (1979)

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Ahhh the original… when the babysitter gets the call from the police that “the call is coming from inside the house…” This has never NOT creeped me out. Your heart just sinks. The first time I babysat alone? Couldn’t stop thinking about this movie. My mom was awesome enough to let me watch all of this crap as a child.

The Exorcist (1973)

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Here is a possessed Regan, with Pazuzu in the background.

Pet Sematary (1989)

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Pascow, just appearing next to your bed. Just scaring the shit out of you.

Scream 3 (2000)

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I LOVE all the Screams. But I had never really found them SCARY scary (not since I was six anyway); until this little gem of a scene happened–Sidney dreaming of her deceased mother.

Friday the 13th, Part II (1981)

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This is terrible, but it’s sort of meant as a joke because… well… look at Muffin the dog’s teeth… One giddy night, I was watching this and couldn’t help but laugh my ass off at Muffin’s perfect smile. HOWEVER… I don’t appreciate when animals are killed in horror movies for no reason. WHAT DID MUFFIN DO TO YOU, VOORHEES!?

The Changeling (1980)

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Try as he might, he just can’t get rid of his deceased daughter’s ball.

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Here’s another one from The Changeling, because this movie is creep central. It’s sort of hard to tell what’s going on here, but it’s a nightmare. A young girl’s bedroom was built over a water well, and at night she sees a young boy in the well.

The Sentinel (1977)

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Insidious (2011) There are going to be a few pics from Insidious, because this entire movie is what nightmares are made of.

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This is just an amazing scene in Insidious. I’ve always been one to have weird dreams, and have never been a lucid dreamer. I’ve also suffered from sleep paralysis more times than I can count now. So this scene grabbed me in all the right ways. It’s a dark, hazy scene in which Patrick Wilson travels into “the further.” It’s so dream-like and eerie–one of my favorite scary movie scenes.

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 The Cabin in the Woods (2011)

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I couldn’t find the exact pic I wanted, but this here is Matthew Buckner and he is terrifying; and there is a great scene where he slowly emerges out of the very still, dark water, almost completely without disturbing the surrounding water. And he’s huge, so that’s quite a feat.

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just another Cabin in the Woods monster

Halloween (1978)

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Michael Meyers’ puppy dog head tilt: bone-chilling.

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“The Shape.” That’s what Michael Meyers was called in the credits. That white face slowly appearing in the background of a scene is just so terrifying.

Carrie (1976)

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Carrie’s already crazy ass going even crazier after the pig’s blood incident at prom will forever be burned into my brain.

Friday the 13th (2009)

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Derek Mears is just a huge, roided-up-looking Jason Voorhees. And it’s awfully terrifying to see his huge body lurking about in the woods. I loved this remake and I think his physique works better than the rather scrawny original Jason’s.
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“Texas Chainsaw”… Why *wouldn’t* this be made in 3D?

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^This here is what nightmares are made of.^ In fact, it has inspired me to make a future post called, “What Nightmares Are Made Of,” depicting my favorite creepy screenshots from horror flicks.

When I found out Texas Chainsaw was coming to a theater near me in 3D, I was pretty excited. No remake will ever come close to the original few, but what’s not to like about any decade’s portrayal of a chainsaw-wielding leatherface?

It was a cool January night when me, my sister, and her fiancé decided to throw caution to the wind, prepare ourselves for some dull headaches, and see Texas Chainsaw 3D. It was so bad/good, I took my 3D glasses as a keepsake. That recycling box ain’t getting MY glasses.

The audience was packed and loud, as expected. The acting was bad. This might be the worst Texas Chainsaw yet… Ok… It is the worst Texas Chainsaw yet.

The leading lady tells the coppers at one point that all her friends were just killed, but she says it as if she were telling them her friends had just been in a fender-bender. Terrible acting, or did she not really care? I mean… they were all kind of dicks…

Kudos: At one point, the leading lady gets dragged into a factory and, naturally, her shirt ends up completely open (we could’ve sworn she was wearing a bra in previous scenes, but hey, shit happens). For a very thin girl, she’s got some knockers on her; but they played it off with some tasteful inner-boob (not side boob, not cleavage, not underboob… I guess we call it inner-boob?). Now, how her shirt managed to stay in place so as not to create any nip-slips is beyond me! I never have qualms with nudity in movies, but it’s so common in horror flicks that it’s occasionally refreshing when all you get is a little tasteful inner-boob. Nothing wrong with leaving a little up to the imagination here and there, eh?

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The storyline (which I will not give away) was actually pretty solid; but it did lend itself to some cheesy zingers. With a better cast, better screenwriter, better producer, just better everything… it probably could have been good good. Alas, it was bad. And I loved it for that.

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“Dark House”… Because not enough movies stage massacres in orphanages.

Sometimes I’d rather just watch something familiar; something I already know I like. I had a hankering for Stigmata recently (only after I realized Netflix took Friday the 13th down); but that’s probably because I chose to rock out to Chumbawamba’s “Mary, Mary” on the way to work. So I ended up watching a new (to me), seemingly shitty movie.

Dark House (2009) starts with three young girls observing and talking about a “creepy” house in their neighborhood. Two things: 1) The three young girls are literally  ~7-years-old. This wasn’t your typical opening scene where a handful of restless teens are attempting to break in, dropping F-bombs like there’s no tomorrow. No. Three young girls with pigtails in their hair, riding their bicycles. And 2) The house isn’t creepy at all. It’s a Victorian house, painted in pastels. Victorian houses have the potential to be very creepy… if they’re old and dilapidated, not painted like an Easter egg.

Anyway, you quickly disregard that when one brave girl enters the house and all hell breaks loose. Creepy shit (I’ll let you discover that all on your own).

Fast-forward 14 years. This is when all the really terrible acting (and magic) happens. You’ve got your 21-year-old college girl (the one brave girl from the beginning) who suffers from anxiety attacks from a traumatic childhood experience (with this haunted house–the “Old Darrode House”); you’ve got your goth chick; your hunks; and your snobby blonde. This troop of theater students volunteer to work as actors in the “Old Darrode House,” which is set up as a haunted house. BUT IS IT ALL JUST AN ACT!? Probably not…

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Now what really stuck out to me and what I want to give this movie kudos for above all else: the blonde bombshell is not pined for by one of the resident Chads… but instead by a mature woman who worked on the haunted house. At one point in the movie when the young girl and her older admirer are facing certain destruction together, the 20-something asks if they make it out alive, “Does that mean I have to do you?” Admirer says yes. Young blonde agrees. Now here’s a movie that doesn’t fall in line. In fact, the “Chad” likes the odd girl who dresses like a tomboy and has an obviously jaded past.

Anyway, as the situation is set up, you just know terrible things are going to happen. And you know that there’s going to be no way out of the house because… it’s an old Victorian house… and one does not simply break a window to save his or her life. Another thing worth mentioning would be that holograms play a huge part in the kills. Holograms having the ability to kill? Ask science.

This post is getting lengthy. I’m going to close this up by saying that the acting is as terrible as I wanted it to be; and there were two different types of terrible acting in Dark House: 1) the cheesy “I never actually took acting classes but I want to act” type, and 2) the overacting “I have the drive but I’m trying too hard” type. The leading lady was the latter. The wide eyes… the teeth clenched shut… the quivering lower lip as she realizes what is really happening in the haunted “Old Darrode House”… It was just a bit much.

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“The Car”… Essentially “Christine” for the 70s

This movie made me laugh; it made me cry; it made me blurt out in the first 20 minutes, “THE ONLY GOOD THING TO COME OUT OF THE 70s IS THE MUSIC!”

Any horror flick from the 70s automatically receives 2 stars from me based solely on the fact that you will see a ton of high-waisted pants, terrible hair cuts, and criminally short jorts on men. The Car (1977) will first and foremost make you appreciate the androgyny of the 70s. And then after that, it’ll make you appreciate that it hasn’t been remade because, let’s be honest, there’s nothing terribly scary about a killer car. The scariest thing about this movie is those camel-toe enhancing high-waisters (and the fact that James Brolin’s shorts are so short that you may be able to sneak a peak at his 37-year-old balls).

There’s also at least one painfully obvious continuity error that I can recall, in regard to wardrobe. A bugle boy is wearing jean board shorts at one point (and it’s obvious they’re just shorts), and in the very next scene when the car is about to attack, he’s in a pair of ever-stylish bell-bottoms. It’s that kind of lack of attention to detail that really draws the audience in.

That being said, I gave The Car 5 stars on Netflix.

Just remember… The Car is what evil drives… and it will drive you to a giddy night of light-hearted laughter if you just open your heart up to it.

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Now that this is official, I will try harder than an inbred trying to capture a lascivious teen to make these posts top notch.

Now that these are no longer mere fleeting posts on Facebook, I’d again like to address all you scary movie lovers officially on my spine-chillingly shitty cinema review.

I saw Wrong Turn way back in the day; knew a second was made; and thought I heard something of a third. As far as I knew it stopped there. Wrong! There is a fourth and a fifth and if I had to guess, each is worse than the last.

I went on Rotten Tomatoes to check that situation out. The second actually received a 78%, which is almost unbelievable for a movie like that, as well as upsetting because I’m led to believe it’s actually “good” good.

I caught the end of Wrong Turn 4 recently (literally the last five minutes), and it was so hilariously bad that I forced myself to stay up to watch Wrong Turn 5 to see how much worse it could get. I was far from disappointed. From what I remember of the first Wrong Turn, the makeup artists actually took a jolly good stab at making the inbreds look like actual inbreds. It looked like the makeup artists for Wrong Turn 5 ran out to Party City for some cheap Halloween masks. In addition, the small, deserted town where the majority of the movie takes place looked like a fake town that was built as a paintball course.

If you want to see a man’s ear chewed off and Saw-inspired kills, then I leave you with this picture and a decision to make:

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I caught this on TV, and unfortunately it doesn’t look like the Wrong Turns are on Netflix yet.

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The Facebook Status that Started it All

To my fellow lover of terrible, scary movies (I know there are several of you out there); to the boy or girl who watches a film and wonders how he or she can get that 1 hour and 20 minutes of life back (you already know it’s bad if it’s an hour+twenty); to those of you that love to hate these movies, I have a couple that are too great to not share: When a Killer Calls (2006), and The Haunting of Whaley House (2012).

Yes, When a Killer Calls has an almost identical plot to When a Stranger Calls; it even steals some famous lines and makes them its own. For example, “Have you checked the girl?” Because, you know, this one is an only child. But I promise you it is much, much worse.

And The Haunting of Whaley House is just that unforgettable, lovable type of film that couldn’t have been made with more than $20 and a crew of idiotic friends who couldn’t have possibly taken even the most basic of acting classes.

Both of these movies can be found on Netflix. Please enjoy.

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